In October 2015, my whole world came crushing down, i never dreamed I’d be bringing in the last moments of the year in a psych ward. On the fifth day of hospitalization, I was discharged, free to go back to the life I knew. After some few days, i dropped out, yh i dropped out from my own sanity and well-being. I ended up moving in with my Dad after being on my own for nearly 5 years, i had no idea what to do with my life anymore, or if i even wanted a life anymore. And yeah, i was passively suicidal, struggling to face my day to day activities. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when my Mum passed away, shortly after she had a tough battle with cancer. When i look back my first psychotic episode was actually in May, 2015, it was my first suicidal attempt, crushing depressions where i could barely function, times when life is simply too much and when I’m simply out of control. The life draining, crushing, depressions i had noticed (obviously), but somewhere down the line, i seemed to have been clueless. Some people don’t get it. And that’s okay. I don’t understand either. My boyfriend gets annoyed: “How can you be sad, what do you have to be sad about, you have a great life. You have me, isn’t that enough for you?” But because most at times, i don’t have a particular reason, he chooses to believe I’m making it up, being ungrateful and selfish. Unfortunately i spend more time with the depressive symptoms than the manic symptoms, where i sometimes feel overly happy and energized, i wish i could be there all the time, maybe i should get a much supportive boyfriend, lol.
But i don’t choose how i am or how i feel, i can’t make myself feel something that i don’t want to – can any of us?
Anyways, I’m Jane, nice to meet you!